A Letter To My Brother

 Paul my dearest brother

Oh how I love you!  I got your letter today for me, Susie, and Nancy. Beautiful! I have given them theirs. And they love them and you so very much. I think they hear a bit of me in your words. They have told you of my conversion and how beautiful my story is….it really is HIS story of me and it’s a page turner. By HIM I mean God, Yahweh, Jesus!  HE is my God, my Creator, My Savior and I am madly in love with HIM. And the best part is HE is madly in Love with me!  HE loves me and is falling for me every day! HE loved, loves, and will always Love me! HE is jealous for me, HE wants me, HE craves me, HE cherishes me, HE can’t wait to hear from me, HE gets all giddy and loves my prayers, HE listens and speaks to me and is my everything. Can you understand that? I couldn’t. I couldn’t understand that any one could love like that…no strings attached, no expectations, all-in, no matter what! Could that be true…I mean really? I would think of all my failures, all my sin all the sin I have done and all the sin done to me….all the pain and hurt. I had not lived a good life. I was alcoholic, I did drugs, I cheated…on my marriage, on work and school things, in every part of my life I was a cheater. I was a manipulator and a liar. I was so depressed I was cutting myself. I have an arm and two legs full of scars. And I have attempted suicide five times. I have been to the mental ward at our hospital at least five times…I really can’t remember how many more. I was in ICU once for attempted suicide and I am alive because my God saved me….. He rescued me. HE reached down and grabbed me and said ‘you are MINE and I love you.” Here’s how…..

I became a Christian in early February 2009. I had been going to church at Solid Rock, a non-denominational Jesus Church here in Beaverton. I went for just over five months before I gave my life to Christ. I had lots of questions and lots to process and wrestle with God about. I had Mormon issues and family issues and I can’t have babies and I thought God made me that way to punish me or play a mean trick on me. You know, put me in a Mormon-have lots of kids-family and then make it so I can’t? It seemed really mean and cruel. I was really mad at HIM. I can say I hated HIM and I so badly didn’t want to hate HIM. I longed to know that HE loved me….but I really and honestly didn’t think it possible unless I did  something. Unless I cleaned up, repented, paid penance/did something to get in HIS favor and that seemed so big. I had done so much wrong and saw no way. I was tired of fighting. I was tired of living and struggling. I was tired! So completely exhausted!  So in February just about two years sober for the third time….ish, I gave my life to Jesus. I prayed a prayer in my Pastor’s office that went something like this…..

 Dear God,

I come to You in the Name of Jesus. I admit that I am not right with You, and I want to be right with You. I ask You to forgive me of all my sins. The Bible says if I confess with my mouth that “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in my heart that God raised Him from the dead, I will be saved (Rom. 10:9). I believe with my heart and I confess with my mouth that Jesus is the Lord and Savior of my life. Thank You for saving me!

In Jesus’ Name I pray. Amen.

And it was cool. It was special and I am so grateful….but it was a prayer…and I had prayed before and I had a lot of hope in the prayer, but I still didn’t have hope in HIM….does that make sense? And I got promoted at work. I was given the second busiest Starbucks store in the state. I got busy with life, I stopped going to AA and tried really hard to go to church every week but it was hard and I was still really tired. In October after having a very successful few months at my store breaking sales records and showing the V.p’s how cool I am I, started drinking again. I would work and then come, home drink and watch movies….like six in a day and pass out. I wouldn’t sleep much, just as long as the alcohol would let me. I started cutting and I was more depressed than ever before. I had prayed the prayer, I had learned in AA and I had tried so hard and I was drunk again….still! I was so frustrated! I tried to get sober but it was too hard this time. I was taken to the hospital twice for alcohol poisoning and I tried suicide one more time. Starbucks encouraged me to go to rehab. I really didn’t want to, not again. I was so beat so I went. It was not a great experience and I left early. So I came home and took some more time off from work under the disability act. Susie and her family had been in my life lots the past few months really trying to help and love me. Susie would hold my hand through so much. I spent every day for over 50 days straight with her. Some part of the day anyway. We would meet for coffee or lunch or sometimes she would have me over for family dinner. They showed me total and unconditional love. See I was all messy still, sober but sad and not happy about it. I was still cutting and I had no hope. Susie would grab my hand and pray with me. She would pray and then I would pray and it wasn’t all Mormon like. It was simple and heart achy prayers. One night, a Thursday in January, about twenty days sober I was at Nancy’s house for dinner. See Susie and Rod had a standing bible study with a group of people they had been with for over 15 years. So Thursdays Nancy would have me to dinner…..baby sit me I say…but with such compassion and love.  Nancy fed me and then put in a video for us to watch. I think we ran out of other things to watch…LOL. It was the video of the book I sent you by L. Giglio. He talked to me in a way I could understand, he explained our God in a way I could hear…and I knew as the video was ending that GOD loved me! No really HE, the creator of the whole universe and everything else LOVED me….little me. And not because I was good….I was anything but good, and not because I had repaid for my sins, and not because HE had to and not because I deserved it but because of who HE is…..And I bolted out of Nancy’s like a bullet. I didn’t tell her anything and I ran…..I got in my car and I drove and cried and said to God …”don’t mess with me…Don’t tell me you love me and then leave me. I can’t handle it…so if you are real and you really love me then be my everything and be all in and don’t let go of me…”  And my brother that’s my story….because everything in that moment changed. Once you know with all that you are that HE loves you and will never ever ever never leave you no matter what, your whole world changes. HE loved me all messed up. All broken and I only had to be me….and HE in HIS mercy and patience has changed me from the inside out. HE has, with such love, convicted me of sins in my life I have needed to change. And when I mess up and go back to the sin, HE wakes me, and stirs my heart in a way that brings me back to HIM and HE forgives and remembers no more. HE is gentle and so sweet to me. It’s hard sometimes and I am tempted to drink sometimes….but I am learning to lean into HIM and HE never fails me….not ever.

Never Graceful Always Faithful

As I write, I am very well aware of the hurt and pain of sin and death in this world. I have a friend who lost her granddaughter a few weeks ago. She was four years old and the grief and pain they must feel is beyond me. My brother’s co-worker’s family was shot and killed by one of the co-workers other children.  I have two nieces and a nephew who are living with the knowledge that their dad is going to be in jail for a while. He missed the first day of school and he will miss birthdays and Christmas with them. They can’t call him and get advice or give him a hug goodnight. Another friend of mine is watching his marriage fall apart; his heart is breaking, broken. This is my story of hurt, pain and grief. It’s not worse or better than anyone else’s. It’s just my journey.

I can still see the vet's face when she took the stethoscope off her chest, looked into my eyes and said “she’s gone.” Sara, my sweet four legged companion is gone. She slipped away and I was holding her like I had told her hundreds of times I would “Mom will hold you whenever you need it” I would tell her. Her long head fit perfectly in the crevice of my neck and shoulder. I could always feel her breath on my ear and her chest on mine. She loved to snuggle. When she was first home those many years ago her whole body would fit there. I miss her.

Sara never really walked anywhere. She had an extra hinge in her back I swear. She galloped and trotted and her legs would swing back and forth all over. Even with that she was lighting fast! She would beat Jake to the ball every time. She was quick to give it up; seeing something else fun to do, she would drop the ball and let Jake bring it in.  Even that last morning, sick and dehydrated she ran for the ball one last time and beat Jake.

Jake barked the other day at a noise or a passerby and she wasn’t here to join in. I miss her bark and growl. I miss her “get up and go back him up scramble” never graceful but always faithful. I miss watching them love each other. She would tease him and love him well; the perfect little sister, the perfect life partner. He misses her. They have been together 24/7 for over eight years. I have taken him for a walk and a run but neither one of us is ready to play ball just yet. We will and it will feel weird and we will think of her.

Her food dish, her leash, her bed are all in the same place she left them. I can’t move them and it hurts to see them. They remind me of what is missing in our home. I vacuumed up her hair for the last time…sounds silly hu? But I know it will be less now, just Jake's.  We had a routine and it’s been turned upside down. Jake was always second….Sara was always first to go out, first to eat…now it is always his turn.

What are you supposed to learn in this? What does God teach us through grief? We know HE hates death and sin. But how can I grow closer to HIM in the pain?  Is the lesson that HE is God no matter what? Is it the pain and hatred of death followed by the gratitude that HE has overcome? One day we will all die and because of who HE is and what HE has done we will live again. Is the lesson a call to HIS feet, a reminder that it is HE who comforts and heals broken hearts? Is it a reminder that because HE is in me I am stronger and more capable than I think?

Maybe just maybe for me today it’s an opportunity to act with humble obedience and search for HIM, grieve and feel it all and know that no matter how ungraceful I am in that walk, HE is always faithful.

I am a Jesus follower, wanna see my picture?

I am a Jesus follower, wanna see my picture?

 I like to run.  

 Yup it’s weird and true. 

I am not a long distance runner nor am I really fast. I am new to the running world, but I am on my 3rd pair of running shoes, having worn out the other two.  Each new pair reminds me that I am still in it. 

When you enter and run a race part of your entry fee goes towards a professional photographer who takes your picture as you round a particular corner or two. I like to imagine I look fabulous. I picture my hair is in place and my shirt and shorts are hanging just right covering all the right spots.  I want everyone to see that my new shoes are the latest and very best for the race. And most importantly I hope my form is just perfect for the optimal speed and distance I am running. I also imagine I am smiling and the sweat is glistening on my forehead. My expectation is that I look like this.

I was talking to a friend the other day and we were laughing at our real life photos from races. She ran a half marathon a year or so ago and her photos were a little less than flattering. I never had the nerve to look at mine from my 5k. The truth is when you tell someone that you ran a 5k or half marathon 99% Say “Oh wow that’s great! Good for you” Some ask about your time but never once has anyone asked to see a picture or how I looked running the race.  

Life is hard. It’s a marathon of marathons I think. I am tired sometimes. Today I am. I am also sad, my heart aches and is broken, and I am lonely and wish some things were different. I would like to think I look good though, through this rough patch. That if a photo was taken of my walk with Jesus you would see a perfect stride just right for the speed and distance I am running, that you would say “Wow look at her! Let’s put her on the front of the “Christian’s World” magazine, with her smiling happy face.”

The truth is I look more like this

And you know what? I am so very grateful I do. I have a Jesus who loves me so much HE won’t let me go! HE won’t let me run alone. HE is right beside me and HE gave me amazing brothers and sisters to run with me…sometimes carrying me. 

Function

What’s your input?

The definition of a function is something I am and have been learning in college this past year. I don’t really want too. Thankfully I am in my last college algebra class and I pray I pass. 

A function is this:

 a relation between a set of inputs and a set of potential outputs with the property that each input is related to exactly one output. An example of such a relation is defined by the rule f(x) = x2, which relates an input x to its square, which are both real numbers. The output of the function f corresponding to an input x is denoted by f(x) (read "f of x"). If the input is –3, then the output is 9, and we may write f(–3) = 9.

 

For all of you who are not math majors and have no idea what that says, neither do I …ok I have a small idea let me see if I can explain.  A function is when you have one input that gives you exactly one output. If it gives you two outputs it’s not a function. That has got me thinking….

I love pizza!  I like the chicken, artichoke, garlic white sauce, mozzarella stuffed crust, pizza from Godfathers. It’s so good. I could eat four slices without breathing. The input of that is amazing and yummy and filling and I love every bite. The output though is not so great.  I also like to run, it’s a new thing for me and if I eat pizza I can’t run the next morning. It’s almost impossible. That’s the function of pizza on me.

I love music. I like all kinds. I love country, classic rock, new rock, oldies, ballads, musicals, rap, blues, techno, and my new favorite is Christian music. I find that each input of music gives me a different output. When I listen to country music with love songs and drinking songs I think about beer and tailgating and lost loves. When I listen to classic rock I think about sex and drugs and the good ole days. :-)  But when I listen to the newest Christian song on the radio the output is worship and praise of my King. 

I have amazing people in my life; some who pour into me. They teach me and guide me and lead me to the Savior. I also have people in my life who I try and pour into, I try to teach them and lead them to the Savior. Some of these relationships go both ways we are each other’s input and output. Mathematically this has a special name I am sure. I will ask next class and get back to you on that. 

I love how the Savior teaches me. I love how HE takes math and helps me understand HIM. I love how HE speaks to me thru you and I especially love how HE whispers to me when I am reading HIS word. The output of spending time with HIM is always good.