Paul my dearest brother
Oh how I love you! I got your letter today for me, Susie, and
Nancy. Beautiful! I have given them theirs. And they love them and you so very
much. I think they hear a bit of me in your words. They have told you of my
conversion and how beautiful my story is….it really is HIS story of me and it’s
a page turner. By HIM I mean God, Yahweh, Jesus! HE is my God, my Creator, My Savior and I am
madly in love with HIM. And the best part is HE is madly in Love with me! HE loves me and is falling for me every day!
HE loved, loves, and will always Love me! HE is jealous for me, HE wants me, HE
craves me, HE cherishes me, HE can’t wait to hear from me, HE gets all giddy
and loves my prayers, HE listens and speaks to me and is my everything. Can you
understand that? I couldn’t. I couldn’t understand that any one could love like
that…no strings attached, no expectations, all-in, no matter what! Could that
be true…I mean really? I would think of all my failures, all my sin all the sin
I have done and all the sin done to me….all the pain and hurt. I had not lived
a good life. I was alcoholic, I did drugs, I cheated…on my marriage, on work
and school things, in every part of my life I was a cheater. I was a manipulator
and a liar. I was so depressed I was cutting myself. I have an arm and two legs
full of scars. And I have attempted suicide five times. I have been to the
mental ward at our hospital at least five times…I really can’t remember how
many more. I was in ICU once for attempted suicide and I am alive because my
God saved me….. He rescued me. HE reached down and grabbed me and said ‘you are
MINE and I love you.” Here’s how…..
I became a Christian in
early February 2009. I had been going to church at Solid Rock, a non-denominational
Jesus Church here in Beaverton. I went for just over five months before I gave
my life to Christ. I had lots of questions and lots to process and wrestle with
God about. I had Mormon issues and family issues and I can’t have babies and I
thought God made me that way to punish me or play a mean trick on me. You know,
put me in a Mormon-have lots of kids-family and then make it so I can’t? It
seemed really mean and cruel. I was really mad at HIM. I can say I hated HIM
and I so badly didn’t want to hate HIM. I longed to know that HE loved me….but
I really and honestly didn’t think it possible unless I did something. Unless I cleaned up, repented,
paid penance/did something to get in HIS favor and that seemed so big. I had
done so much wrong and saw no way. I was tired of fighting. I was tired of
living and struggling. I was tired! So completely exhausted! So in February just about two years sober for
the third time….ish, I gave my life to Jesus. I prayed a prayer in my Pastor’s
office that went something like this…..
Dear God,
I come to You in the Name of
Jesus. I admit that I am not right with You, and I want to be right with You. I
ask You to forgive me of all my sins. The Bible says if I confess with my mouth
that “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in my heart that God raised Him from the
dead, I will be saved (Rom. 10:9). I believe with my heart and I confess with
my mouth that Jesus is the Lord and Savior of my life. Thank You for saving me!
In Jesus’ Name I pray. Amen.
And it was cool. It was
special and I am so grateful….but it was a prayer…and I had prayed before and I
had a lot of hope in the prayer, but I still didn’t have hope in HIM….does that
make sense? And I got promoted at work. I was given the second busiest
Starbucks store in the state. I got busy with life, I stopped going to AA and
tried really hard to go to church every week but it was hard and I was still
really tired. In October after having a very successful few months at my store
breaking sales records and showing the V.p’s how cool I am I, started drinking
again. I would work and then come, home drink and watch movies….like six in a
day and pass out. I wouldn’t sleep much, just as long as the alcohol would let
me. I started cutting and I was more depressed than ever before. I had prayed
the prayer, I had learned in AA and I had tried so hard and I was drunk
again….still! I was so frustrated! I tried to get sober but it was too hard
this time. I was taken to the hospital twice for alcohol poisoning and I tried
suicide one more time. Starbucks encouraged me to go to rehab. I really didn’t
want to, not again. I was so beat so I went. It was not a great experience and
I left early. So I came home and took some more time off from work under the
disability act. Susie and her family had been in my life lots the past few
months really trying to help and love me. Susie would hold my hand through so
much. I spent every day for over 50 days straight with her. Some part of the
day anyway. We would meet for coffee or lunch or sometimes she would have me
over for family dinner. They showed me total and unconditional love. See I was
all messy still, sober but sad and not happy about it. I was still cutting and
I had no hope. Susie would grab my hand and pray with me. She would pray and
then I would pray and it wasn’t all Mormon like. It was simple and heart achy
prayers. One night, a Thursday in January, about twenty days sober I was at
Nancy’s house for dinner. See Susie and Rod had a standing bible study with a
group of people they had been with for over 15 years. So Thursdays Nancy would
have me to dinner…..baby sit me I say…but with such compassion and love. Nancy fed me and then put in a video for us
to watch. I think we ran out of other things to watch…LOL. It was the video of
the book I sent you by L. Giglio. He talked to me in a way I could understand,
he explained our God in a way I could hear…and I knew as the video was ending
that GOD loved me! No really HE, the creator of the whole universe and
everything else LOVED me….little me. And not because I was good….I was anything
but good, and not because I had repaid for my sins, and not because HE had to
and not because I deserved it but because of who HE is…..And I bolted out of
Nancy’s like a bullet. I didn’t tell her anything and I ran…..I got in my car
and I drove and cried and said to God …”don’t mess with me…Don’t tell me you
love me and then leave me. I can’t handle it…so if you are real and you really
love me then be my everything and be all in and don’t let go of me…” And my brother that’s my story….because
everything in that moment changed. Once you know with all that you are that HE
loves you and will never ever ever never
leave you no matter what, your whole world changes. HE loved me all messed up.
All broken and I only had to be me….and HE in HIS mercy and patience has
changed me from the inside out. HE has, with such love, convicted me of sins in
my life I have needed to change. And when I mess up and go back to the sin, HE
wakes me, and stirs my heart in a way that brings me back to HIM and HE
forgives and remembers no more. HE is gentle and so sweet to me. It’s hard
sometimes and I am tempted to drink sometimes….but I am learning to lean into
HIM and HE never fails me….not ever.
