How many brothers do you have anyway?

I have a brother.  His name is Paul.  He loves genealogy.  He is the King of all computer geeks, it is his profession and his passion.  He loves musicals. One item on his bucket list is to see Les Miserables in London.  He is funny. He can do an Indian accent that will have you rolling on the floor.  He doesn’t have any tattoos and he is not a buff guy.  I don’t think he has ever been in a fist fight.  He is not a Christian and does not know he is loved by God. He loves Disneyland!  
And he is in jail.
Not your typical inmate, if there is such a thing.   In jail they feed him, clothe him, keep a roof over his head.  They give him all he needs to physically survive.  They have rules there.  I can’t send him much.  Soft covered books and letters are about all.  And all books must come from the book store, not me personally.  All his supplies to send letters out, must be bought at the jail commissary.  So I can’t do much for him.  Frustrating feeling.
I want to send him a blanket, cookies, an ipod and an electronic pocket solitary game to help him pass the time.  I want to hug him and look him in the eye and tell him its all going to be ok.  I want to hear his voice.
All I can do is pray for him and write him letters…..
There is a story in the bible (Mark 2)  about four men who had a friend who was paralyzed.  They knew they needed to get their friend to Jesus.  They carried him on a mat to the house they heard Jesus was preaching at.  The house was so full there was no room, not even outside the door.  The crowd was so thick they couldn’t get their friend to Jesus.  Frustrating feeling I bet. So these four guys got on the roof, dug a hole in it and dropped their friend on his mat right in front of Jesus!  Amazing friends!  You don’t hear about the four men after that, they did their job, they got their friend to Jesus.  What faith they must have had.
I get to pray for my brother!  
I get to write him letters and tell him all about Jesus!  
I get to tell him he is loved by a Savior who will rescue him.
I get to carry my brother to Jesus!  
I am a mat carrier!

HIM vs. him

I heard recently on a pod cast I was listening to that “a well loved woman is radiant.” I like the visual of that.  She glows, she shines bright.  She is full of hope and joy.  She in turn loves.
I was married for 13 years.  I met him when I was 19.  I was 21 when I got married.  I am going to write about a him and in no way am I talking about him of the past.  I am talking about two hims.  One is the Almighty HIM. My Savior, my God, my King.  The other is the him of the future?  Mr.  Wonderful. 
I miss being married.  I miss kissing goodnight, I miss being touched, I miss sleeping next to someone, I miss knowing somebody’s body. I miss being a wife. Sometimes the lonely is so thick I can't feel anything else. I want a 'him'.  A godly amazing him. I want him to know me, I want to know him.
I have a few freckles on my arm in the shape of the big dipper, or is it the little dipper? I want him to know that.  Silly but a personal detail about me. I love daisies not roses, but a note on my mirror is better than a thousand daisies. I long for a him to know that and in that longing, I sometimes forget HE knows that.  HE placed my freckles right where they are.  HE made daisies and HE knew I would love them.  HE gives me “notes” all the time.  HIS word, friends who say those words that touch your soul, you know with all that you are, they are from HIM. HE gives me songs and lyrics that let me know HE sees me. I know HE can satisfy- or do I? I know I believe but I don’t know what that feels like.  HE comforts when I want to drink, HE protects  me from cutting. HE wipes away my tears. I know what it feels like to be in HIS arms; resting or not resting, struggling and not struggling. Is it possible HE can and how can HE fill the lonely? Can HE be that? And if I still long for a him am I not allowing HIM to be my everything?  If HE is my everything is HE my husband? How? What does that feel like? If I want flesh and bones, am I not letting HIM satisfy me?
I don’t have a verse or a cute ribbon to put on this one. No moral of the story ending…
I do have this-- I am loved by a God I don’t understand.  A God so big I cant figure HIM out.  And I know HE loves me, sees me, teaches me and waits for me.  
And HE made daisies for me!

Can you Knit?

“I want them to be encouraged and knit together by strong ties of love. I want them to have complete confidence that they understand God's mysterious plan, which is Christ himself." Colossians 2:2

I’m not much of a seamstress. I just recently learned how to sew on a button. I remember in High School home economics making a stuffed animal once...how was that helpful?  I had a close friend try to teach me how to crochet, my accomplishment?  A long strand of red loops. Could have been a very long scarf for a mouse. 

I dont know much about knitting. But I imagine really well.  I think of two strands put together in such a way they become one, one purpose, to be attached together.

Webster says this about knit...."to join closely and firmly, as members or parts." Pretty cool the things you could accomplish together instead of alone.  And then if you added more to the circle?   I imagine people praying, knitted to the same cause.  People serving or raising funds, all knitted in one way or another.  

I have a very best friend.  I am talking the best friend of all best friends!  Before you ask, yes Jesus is my best friend first and foremost but that's not who I am talking about. One of my co-workers described my best friend saying to me "you have the BEST best friend"  Yup I do!  Seriously my best friend is better than your best friend! We are knitted.  We did a bible study on David.  You may know David and Jonathon best friends!  “…the soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul.” (I Samuel 18:1) Read the story, its awesome.  To have someone so close is amazing, but even more amazing is the power we have to accomplish anything.  We have accountability with one another...not always fun let me tell you. But together we stay steady to what we know to be true.  She points me to the Savior and I do the same for her. I couldn't stay sober with out that, I couldn't run a 5k with out that, I couldn't know I was loved by HIM until I was shown by someone filled with HIS spirit. I need that!  My Savior knows that and gave me that gift!  And its HIS art work, knitting us together...how awesome thats HE loves us enough to be in the details of that?  It blows my mind! 

YOU ARE NOT INVITED

This last weekend I went to a party.  No one was invited but me!  It was in the bottom of a slimy pit, a mire so to speak.  That's right I had a pity party!  The party decorations at a pity party are pretty awful.  Like those "OVER THE HILL" ones, black and discouraging. In my defense I was a bit hormonal & a good friend reminded me that in Heaven there won't be crazy hormone roller coasters!  Can I get an AMEN sisters?!  I find the pity party to be like quick sand. I have never been in quick sand but I can imagine. Plus I have seen Star Wars so there's that.  Once I am in it, I move one way and sink. I move back and deeper still.  I have slid so far down before, that I was diagnosed with depression.  For years at a time, stuck.  So anytime I start to sink again, there is a very real fear that it will be like before.  That I will go so far down I will not recover.  And left alone I think that is true.  I cannot pull myself out of the mire.  I cannot save myself. My only hope is to look up, not all around at the mess I am in, real or perceived.  I don't remember to look up though.  I forget.  I forget that I know stuff.  I forget that I am new, that I am not the same person I once was.  I am a daughter of the King!  And HE in all HIS amazingness, gave me friends who remind me.  Who show up, uninvited, to the pity party and point me up, to HIM.  And once I set my gaze on HIM, the view changes drastically. I remember!  Psalms 40: 2-3  

Forgiven, beloved

Hidden in Christ

Made in the image of the giver of life

Righteous and holy

Reborn and remade

Accepted and worthy

THIS IS MY NEW NAME!

Jason Grey

God---Dog

As you may know I have 2 Labradors, Jake and Sara. Jake is a bit of a mama's boy. He would follow me through fire just to stand right next to me. He is obedient I think because he doesn't want to miss anything, like the handing out of treats or a good belly rub.  Sara is a little more of a free spirit.  She obeys when it makes sense.  She also is afraid of most anything at first.  She gets over it fast.  She is afraid of a sudden gust of wind, of a guy running past her, of a trash can. Its funny most of the time watching her navigate through her fears. The other morning I was walking them to the pet area so they could do their business. To get to the assigned area for this task we had to take this three foot wide path in between a parked car and an evil, scary, trash can. I had both of them on leashes and I went first. Jake came right behind me no problem, but the trash can scared sweet Sara. She pulled back in all her fear and slid to the left knocking down the trash can, spilling it all over scaring her even more. I turned around and saw her face and the mess and with a stern but quiet voice said "If you would just follow me...." I caught myself. I smiled and laughed and finished the sentence "Oh Sara if you would follow me you would be just fine and safe." I looked at the mess I now got to clean up. In only the way a dog can, she came right up to me wagging her tail, so sorry for the commotion she caused. She was so relieved that I wasn't mad and that she was ok and  that the horrible trash can really wasn't so scary.  I picked up the trash and loved on her. I know if she could she would have picked up the trash but she cant, that is my job. And I was glad to do it for her and it was in that moment  I knew my Savior was teaching me! HE allowed me to feel in a very small way what HE feels for us. Follow me and when you are afraid and make a mess I will forgive and clean you up. I cannot tell you how many times I have let fear keep me from following my Savior.  After I cleaned up the mess I still had to get the dogs to the spot to do what we came to do.  I held Sara a little closer, walked right beside her and helped her through that tough spot.  I love how the Lord teaches me!  Matthew 16:24-26

sometimes I think about stuff

I was sitting in church last week, we were asked to think about ...well about something.  I dont remember  what I was suppose to be thinking about.  I was playing with my bracelet and thinking about how happy I am that it was able to be fixed earlier this week.   I was moving some cleaning supplies around, cleaning a garage space.  I got either some paint, solvent or something all over it.  Its a metal band bracelet.  Silver with the words wisdom courage and strength on it. I love my bracelet, it means a lot to me, memories of a trip I took to Montana, the words are amazing, always reminding me of how I want to be.  It tarnished with this mystery chemical.  I was really bummed! I tried to clean it up myself.  I used toothpaste...I remember my mom using toothpaste to clean her jewelry.  It didn't work but it sure smelled nice and minty. I was going to wear it anyway, its my favorite piece of jewelry I own.  Not that I own a lot but all the more reason to be a little upset it was ruined.   A few days after I ruined it I happen to find myself at Nordstorm...thats a story for another day.  Anyone who knows me knows that me in a Nordstrom store is odd to say the least.  Anyway I was there and in the jewelry department I asked the nice lady if she could help me out, polish or magically fix my armor.  She tried with all her might and did not get very far.  She used a polishing towel and rubbed the heck out of it.  She then tried to sell me some thing I was firmly convinced was toothpaste.  Later on I was in yet another jewelery department, really I swear!  How I was in two in one day I don't know but it was not  planned.  I asked the guy there what he thought of my poor bracelet.  He took it from me and went to the back...oh no I thought.  I could here him using steam pressure.  I worried.  When he came back out he said "its not perfect but ..."  It looked more beautiful than I had seen it since I bought it!  It was shinny and the words popped out and where strong.  Underneath, where only I can see, it still has stains.  It is scratched with years of love but it was all cleaned up.  It took massive amounts of pressure.  In researching steam cleaning I learned it took 40psi to do the job.  I dont really know what that means but it sounds impressive.  I think about the work the Lord has had/gotten to do in me.  The pressure HE has used to clean me up.  I tried to clean myself up, used toothpaste, a polishing towel went to lots of people, but until I let HIM use HIS ways I saw no results.  I still have stains and scratches, most only I and a few close friends can see, but HE promises to finish what HE starts.  Philippians 1:6  I am HIS!