A Letter To My Brother

 Paul my dearest brother

Oh how I love you!  I got your letter today for me, Susie, and Nancy. Beautiful! I have given them theirs. And they love them and you so very much. I think they hear a bit of me in your words. They have told you of my conversion and how beautiful my story is….it really is HIS story of me and it’s a page turner. By HIM I mean God, Yahweh, Jesus!  HE is my God, my Creator, My Savior and I am madly in love with HIM. And the best part is HE is madly in Love with me!  HE loves me and is falling for me every day! HE loved, loves, and will always Love me! HE is jealous for me, HE wants me, HE craves me, HE cherishes me, HE can’t wait to hear from me, HE gets all giddy and loves my prayers, HE listens and speaks to me and is my everything. Can you understand that? I couldn’t. I couldn’t understand that any one could love like that…no strings attached, no expectations, all-in, no matter what! Could that be true…I mean really? I would think of all my failures, all my sin all the sin I have done and all the sin done to me….all the pain and hurt. I had not lived a good life. I was alcoholic, I did drugs, I cheated…on my marriage, on work and school things, in every part of my life I was a cheater. I was a manipulator and a liar. I was so depressed I was cutting myself. I have an arm and two legs full of scars. And I have attempted suicide five times. I have been to the mental ward at our hospital at least five times…I really can’t remember how many more. I was in ICU once for attempted suicide and I am alive because my God saved me….. He rescued me. HE reached down and grabbed me and said ‘you are MINE and I love you.” Here’s how…..

I became a Christian in early February 2009. I had been going to church at Solid Rock, a non-denominational Jesus Church here in Beaverton. I went for just over five months before I gave my life to Christ. I had lots of questions and lots to process and wrestle with God about. I had Mormon issues and family issues and I can’t have babies and I thought God made me that way to punish me or play a mean trick on me. You know, put me in a Mormon-have lots of kids-family and then make it so I can’t? It seemed really mean and cruel. I was really mad at HIM. I can say I hated HIM and I so badly didn’t want to hate HIM. I longed to know that HE loved me….but I really and honestly didn’t think it possible unless I did  something. Unless I cleaned up, repented, paid penance/did something to get in HIS favor and that seemed so big. I had done so much wrong and saw no way. I was tired of fighting. I was tired of living and struggling. I was tired! So completely exhausted!  So in February just about two years sober for the third time….ish, I gave my life to Jesus. I prayed a prayer in my Pastor’s office that went something like this…..

 Dear God,

I come to You in the Name of Jesus. I admit that I am not right with You, and I want to be right with You. I ask You to forgive me of all my sins. The Bible says if I confess with my mouth that “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in my heart that God raised Him from the dead, I will be saved (Rom. 10:9). I believe with my heart and I confess with my mouth that Jesus is the Lord and Savior of my life. Thank You for saving me!

In Jesus’ Name I pray. Amen.

And it was cool. It was special and I am so grateful….but it was a prayer…and I had prayed before and I had a lot of hope in the prayer, but I still didn’t have hope in HIM….does that make sense? And I got promoted at work. I was given the second busiest Starbucks store in the state. I got busy with life, I stopped going to AA and tried really hard to go to church every week but it was hard and I was still really tired. In October after having a very successful few months at my store breaking sales records and showing the V.p’s how cool I am I, started drinking again. I would work and then come, home drink and watch movies….like six in a day and pass out. I wouldn’t sleep much, just as long as the alcohol would let me. I started cutting and I was more depressed than ever before. I had prayed the prayer, I had learned in AA and I had tried so hard and I was drunk again….still! I was so frustrated! I tried to get sober but it was too hard this time. I was taken to the hospital twice for alcohol poisoning and I tried suicide one more time. Starbucks encouraged me to go to rehab. I really didn’t want to, not again. I was so beat so I went. It was not a great experience and I left early. So I came home and took some more time off from work under the disability act. Susie and her family had been in my life lots the past few months really trying to help and love me. Susie would hold my hand through so much. I spent every day for over 50 days straight with her. Some part of the day anyway. We would meet for coffee or lunch or sometimes she would have me over for family dinner. They showed me total and unconditional love. See I was all messy still, sober but sad and not happy about it. I was still cutting and I had no hope. Susie would grab my hand and pray with me. She would pray and then I would pray and it wasn’t all Mormon like. It was simple and heart achy prayers. One night, a Thursday in January, about twenty days sober I was at Nancy’s house for dinner. See Susie and Rod had a standing bible study with a group of people they had been with for over 15 years. So Thursdays Nancy would have me to dinner…..baby sit me I say…but with such compassion and love.  Nancy fed me and then put in a video for us to watch. I think we ran out of other things to watch…LOL. It was the video of the book I sent you by L. Giglio. He talked to me in a way I could understand, he explained our God in a way I could hear…and I knew as the video was ending that GOD loved me! No really HE, the creator of the whole universe and everything else LOVED me….little me. And not because I was good….I was anything but good, and not because I had repaid for my sins, and not because HE had to and not because I deserved it but because of who HE is…..And I bolted out of Nancy’s like a bullet. I didn’t tell her anything and I ran…..I got in my car and I drove and cried and said to God …”don’t mess with me…Don’t tell me you love me and then leave me. I can’t handle it…so if you are real and you really love me then be my everything and be all in and don’t let go of me…”  And my brother that’s my story….because everything in that moment changed. Once you know with all that you are that HE loves you and will never ever ever never leave you no matter what, your whole world changes. HE loved me all messed up. All broken and I only had to be me….and HE in HIS mercy and patience has changed me from the inside out. HE has, with such love, convicted me of sins in my life I have needed to change. And when I mess up and go back to the sin, HE wakes me, and stirs my heart in a way that brings me back to HIM and HE forgives and remembers no more. HE is gentle and so sweet to me. It’s hard sometimes and I am tempted to drink sometimes….but I am learning to lean into HIM and HE never fails me….not ever.