HIM vs. him

I heard recently on a pod cast I was listening to that “a well loved woman is radiant.” I like the visual of that.  She glows, she shines bright.  She is full of hope and joy.  She in turn loves.
I was married for 13 years.  I met him when I was 19.  I was 21 when I got married.  I am going to write about a him and in no way am I talking about him of the past.  I am talking about two hims.  One is the Almighty HIM. My Savior, my God, my King.  The other is the him of the future?  Mr.  Wonderful. 
I miss being married.  I miss kissing goodnight, I miss being touched, I miss sleeping next to someone, I miss knowing somebody’s body. I miss being a wife. Sometimes the lonely is so thick I can't feel anything else. I want a 'him'.  A godly amazing him. I want him to know me, I want to know him.
I have a few freckles on my arm in the shape of the big dipper, or is it the little dipper? I want him to know that.  Silly but a personal detail about me. I love daisies not roses, but a note on my mirror is better than a thousand daisies. I long for a him to know that and in that longing, I sometimes forget HE knows that.  HE placed my freckles right where they are.  HE made daisies and HE knew I would love them.  HE gives me “notes” all the time.  HIS word, friends who say those words that touch your soul, you know with all that you are, they are from HIM. HE gives me songs and lyrics that let me know HE sees me. I know HE can satisfy- or do I? I know I believe but I don’t know what that feels like.  HE comforts when I want to drink, HE protects  me from cutting. HE wipes away my tears. I know what it feels like to be in HIS arms; resting or not resting, struggling and not struggling. Is it possible HE can and how can HE fill the lonely? Can HE be that? And if I still long for a him am I not allowing HIM to be my everything?  If HE is my everything is HE my husband? How? What does that feel like? If I want flesh and bones, am I not letting HIM satisfy me?
I don’t have a verse or a cute ribbon to put on this one. No moral of the story ending…
I do have this-- I am loved by a God I don’t understand.  A God so big I cant figure HIM out.  And I know HE loves me, sees me, teaches me and waits for me.  
And HE made daisies for me!