Never Graceful Always Faithful

As I write, I am very well aware of the hurt and pain of sin and death in this world. I have a friend who lost her granddaughter a few weeks ago. She was four years old and the grief and pain they must feel is beyond me. My brother’s co-worker’s family was shot and killed by one of the co-workers other children.  I have two nieces and a nephew who are living with the knowledge that their dad is going to be in jail for a while. He missed the first day of school and he will miss birthdays and Christmas with them. They can’t call him and get advice or give him a hug goodnight. Another friend of mine is watching his marriage fall apart; his heart is breaking, broken. This is my story of hurt, pain and grief. It’s not worse or better than anyone else’s. It’s just my journey.

I can still see the vet's face when she took the stethoscope off her chest, looked into my eyes and said “she’s gone.” Sara, my sweet four legged companion is gone. She slipped away and I was holding her like I had told her hundreds of times I would “Mom will hold you whenever you need it” I would tell her. Her long head fit perfectly in the crevice of my neck and shoulder. I could always feel her breath on my ear and her chest on mine. She loved to snuggle. When she was first home those many years ago her whole body would fit there. I miss her.

Sara never really walked anywhere. She had an extra hinge in her back I swear. She galloped and trotted and her legs would swing back and forth all over. Even with that she was lighting fast! She would beat Jake to the ball every time. She was quick to give it up; seeing something else fun to do, she would drop the ball and let Jake bring it in.  Even that last morning, sick and dehydrated she ran for the ball one last time and beat Jake.

Jake barked the other day at a noise or a passerby and she wasn’t here to join in. I miss her bark and growl. I miss her “get up and go back him up scramble” never graceful but always faithful. I miss watching them love each other. She would tease him and love him well; the perfect little sister, the perfect life partner. He misses her. They have been together 24/7 for over eight years. I have taken him for a walk and a run but neither one of us is ready to play ball just yet. We will and it will feel weird and we will think of her.

Her food dish, her leash, her bed are all in the same place she left them. I can’t move them and it hurts to see them. They remind me of what is missing in our home. I vacuumed up her hair for the last time…sounds silly hu? But I know it will be less now, just Jake's.  We had a routine and it’s been turned upside down. Jake was always second….Sara was always first to go out, first to eat…now it is always his turn.

What are you supposed to learn in this? What does God teach us through grief? We know HE hates death and sin. But how can I grow closer to HIM in the pain?  Is the lesson that HE is God no matter what? Is it the pain and hatred of death followed by the gratitude that HE has overcome? One day we will all die and because of who HE is and what HE has done we will live again. Is the lesson a call to HIS feet, a reminder that it is HE who comforts and heals broken hearts? Is it a reminder that because HE is in me I am stronger and more capable than I think?

Maybe just maybe for me today it’s an opportunity to act with humble obedience and search for HIM, grieve and feel it all and know that no matter how ungraceful I am in that walk, HE is always faithful.